The Totally Ultimate Guide to Being a Climate Consultant (Physics Is Not Optional!)
Dear Enthusiastic Climate Change Consultant,
Congratulations on choosing to save our planet! We know you’ve got your heart in the right place, your sustainably sourced bamboo business cards at the ready, and a PowerPoint template filled with pictures of polar bears. But before you go recommending another solar-powered toilet or blockchain-based carbon credit system, let’s have a little chat about some pesky little things called “physics,” “thermodynamics,” and – brace yourself – “systems thinking.”
Are You Even Asking The Right Question?
Ah, I see you’ve prepared another brilliant presentation comparing electric vs. petrol vehicles! You’ve got 47 slides of battery specifications and a lovely graph showing carbon emissions. But here’s a wild thought: maybe, just maybe, we’re asking entirely the wrong question?
Instead of:
• “Should we switch to electric cars?” Try:
• “Why do we assume everyone needs a private two-ton metal box to buy milk?”
Instead of:
• “How do we make air conditioning more efficient?” Try:
• “Why are we building glass skyscrapers in the desert?”
Instead of:
• “How do we create carbon-neutral flights?” Try:
• “Do we really need to fly to that meeting that could have been an email?”
Remember: Optimizing a fundamentally flawed system just gives you a more efficient version of the wrong answer!
Energy Return on Energy Invested (EROI) – Not Just Another Buzzword
I know, I know – you’re thinking “But I already understand energy! It’s those little green arrows going in circles on my slide deck!” Here’s the thing: energy systems are just a tad more complex than that neat circular diagram you copied from Wikipedia.
When you proudly declare that switching to [insert latest trendy renewable technology] will solve everything, please remember that the laws of thermodynamics weren’t just suggestions that some boring physicist came up with to ruin your day. They’re actually quite stubborn about staying true, even when they conflict with your quarterly sustainability targets.
Total System Boundaries: More Than Just a Box Around Your Flow Chart
Picture this: You’re excitedly presenting your plan for a “zero-emission” electric vehicle charging network. But wait! Have you considered:
• The energy cost of mining lithium in the Chilean desert?
• The bunker-fuel-powered ships transporting raw materials across oceans?
• The energy-intensive processing of rare earth elements?
• The fact that drawing a dotted line around your factory and calling it your “system boundary” doesn’t actually make the outside world disappear?
Shocking, I know, but carbon emissions don’t actually care about your corporate reporting framework!
A Handy Physics Reality Checklist
Before your next client presentation, ask yourself:
1. Does my solution violate any fundamental laws of physics?
2. Have I accidentally invented a perpetual motion machine again?
3. Am I assuming energy magically appears at point of use?
4. Have I confused electricity, energy and power for the 47th time this week?
5. Did I remember that batteries store energy but don’t generate it?
6. Am I solving the right problem, or just making the wrong problem more efficient?
The Higher-Level Thinking Challenge
Try this revolutionary approach:
1. Before diving into solutions, step back and ask: “What’s the actual problem we’re trying to solve?”
2. No, go back. Think bigger. BIGGER.
3. Now ask: “Is this solution just maintaining a fundamentally unsustainable system?”
4. Finally: “Are we just greenwashing business-as-usual with extra steps?”
Example:
• Junior Consultant: “We need greener cars!”
• Senior Consultant: “We need better electric cars!”
• Actually Thoughtful Consultant: “We need better cities where cars are optional!”
Pro Tips for Looking More Scientific
• Try using actual units of measurement instead of “carbon points”
• Consider that “net-zero” doesn’t mean the laws of thermodynamics take a holiday
• Accept that efficiency can never be greater than 100% (yes, even with blockchain)
• Understand that putting “smart” in front of something doesn’t actually make it more efficient
• Remember that “disrupting” physics isn’t actually possible, no matter what your startup pitch deck says
Emergency Physics Reminder
When all else fails, remember:
• Energy cannot be created or destroyed (First Law of Thermodynamics)
• Entropy always increases (Second Law of Thermodynamics)
• Neither of these laws cares about your ESG targets or what your LinkedIn profile says
• Adding “sustainable” to a fundamentally unsustainable practice doesn’t make it sustainable
Conclusion
Look, we get it. Physics is hard. Math is harder. Systems thinking is hardest of all. And telling clients that their favourite “green” solution might not just be wrong, but might be answering the wrong question entirely? That’s the hardest thing of all.
But remember: genuine sustainability requires understanding not just the actual science, but also having the courage to ask whether we’re solving the right problems in the first place.
Yours truly, A Concerned Physicist
P.S. No, adding AI to your solution doesn’t magically make the energy requirements disappear.
P.P.S. Those efficiency numbers you’re using? You might want to check if they were calculated in our universe.
P.P.P.S. Have you considered that maybe, just maybe, infinite growth on a finite planet might be a bit problematic?
Emergency?
If in doubt, call me!
